My First Sexual Outing in Bangkok
I recently travelled to Bangkok on a business trip. My employer (who shall remain nameless) suggested that I keep my mind on business, and avoid cavorting with sex workers while in Southeast Asia. For the first few days I followed his advice. It was high monsoon season, and the flooded canals and knee-high water in the streets made leaving the guesthouse I was staying in difficult anyway.
My driver Dang, had been showing me a photo album chock full of brothels, callgirls, sex shows, and massage parlors each time he drove me on my business errands. One afternoon, after taking me to the Chinese gold market to pick up a few 24K gold souveniers, Dang began talking about Patpong, Bangkok's infamous red light district, known for its live sex shows, bottomless dancing bars, and massage parlors. The hot steamy weather seemed to have weakened my resolve, and I told Dang to drive us through Patpong, just to take a look. By the time we arrived there, it was about six o'clock in the evening, and the neon signs were still turned off. I told Dang to find a parking place and I'd buy him a beer.
Dang looked over his shoulder and smiled - as if to suggest that I had something else on my mind. In fact, I didn't, at least not yet....
Dang led me into a hole in the wall with the name The Barrel Bar emblazened on the door. It was so dark inside, that I couldn't see to place one foot in front of the other. Dang appeared to know his way around, and guided us to a small round table.
Several minutes passed, as my eyes were adjusting to the dark interior, and I heard a hoarse female voice say, Hello, I am Mama-san, you want beer or whiskey ? I asked for two beers. At that moment, some dated new wave lyrics could be heard coming out of a tinny small speaker... Do, do you want me....?..... A light came on across the bar above a small, low, four foot square stage. On each corner of the stage stood a bamboo pole decorated with colored balloons. One pole had a small basketball hoop attached to it. Mama-san brought us two Singha beers, collected several Thai Baht, and disappeared behind the bar. At that moment, the music's volume went up, and I noticed a young girl approaching the stage in a bathrobe. When she disrobed and stepped onto the stage she appeared to be only 15 to 16 years of age, at most. She sat down on the stage, leaned back, and casually began to smoke a cigarette down to the filter - using only her privates. When finished, she smiled demurely and slowly approached my table. By this time my eyes had fully adjusted to the dark, and I could see that Dang and I were the only people in the tiny bar. The young performer was now sitting next to me, and I found my arm around her. As the music continued, another young girl took the stage, and proceeded to shoot pingpong balls out of her orifice through the basketball hoop. She didn't miss a shot. I was impressed. When she had exhausted her supply of balls, she joined us at the table, sitting on my other side.
Both girls were busy with their hands, competing for space in my crotch. I noticed that neither seemed interested in the driver. I got the distinct feeling that I wasn't the first person that Dang had brought there, either. At this point a third girl stepped onto the stage and sat down with her legs spread. The Mama-san brought her three large glass bottles of Coca-cola. These were the old style green glass Coke bottles that are no longer seen in the U.S. One by one, the girl inserted the bottles where the sun didn't shine, and pryed off the rusted tops. As some sort of finale, the bottles were brought to me - as though I might be interested in sampling them. The third girl then joined us at our table with the Mama-san in tow. Do you want girl?, the Mama-san asked. By this time two beers and the constant prompting of the two girls sitting next to me had melted my resolve. I said, I'll take these two, pointing at the two sitting on either side of me. One was very sweet and pleasant looking, while the other, a prettier girl, seemed to be somewhat full of herself. The Mama-san informed me that there were rooms upstairs (how convenient!), but that I would have to first pay the girls' 'bar fines'. I was to learn that anytime a man takes a girl out of a bar in Asia, he must pay the Mama-san a 'bar fine', or a fee so that they can leave the bar. I was also expected to pay each girl a 'tip'. The bar fine would amount to 400 baht (or about 16-$20.00 U.S.) per girl.
I agreed and handed over the $40.
00 to the Mama-san, and was given a key to one of the upstairs rooms. It was only at this moment, that I discovered that Dang had disappeared into thin air.
As we walked up the stairs, the sweeter of the two girls was holding my hand while the other one followed a few steps behind. We went into the room and I sat down on the bed, proceeding to pull off my cowboy boots. The nicer girl immediately began unzipping my levis and kissing me. Meanwhile the other girl sat in a chair at the end of the bed with her legs crossed and a peeved expression on her face. This wasn't how I expected my first threesome to develop... I said, Come on over here to the second girl, motioning with my hand. She simply frowned and shook her head from side to side. For some reason, I still don't understand to this day, I just lost my temper completely, pushed the nice girl off of me, and said, Forget it! I'm out of here!! I jumped up and began getting dressed, while letting out every four-letter explicative that I knew. The nasty little tart began screaming, Where my tip?! Where my tip?! I looked at her, and said, What tip? A tip for what? You've got to be kidding?! You must give tip. You very bad man!! The other girl was just sitting on the bed crying, saying, I have no money to buy rice, I need buy rice ! Needless to say, my sexual wonderland was rapidly turning into a nightmare... I made my way down the steps to find the previously empty streets teeming with urchins, lowlifes and neon lights.
With some effort I was able to catch a cab back to my guesthouse. Later, I learned that if one is interested in a threesome in Thailand, one must go to a massage parlor or a brothel and request a gai sahm yang. This, loosely translated means 'three-way chicken.' The proprietor will then provide you with two girls who are accustomed to working together. Without careful planning, one can easily be subject to petty jealousies and rivalries between 'working girls... even in Bangkok. So much for keeping my mind on business...and you know, I never did see Dang again.