A letter to my pets.
Letter to my pets
Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not
switch positions with each other so there are still
two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will
continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping,
they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also
know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space
used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there
and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door
open.
I must exit through the same door I entered.
In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years
-- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on
our front door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to
Complain About Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it
furniture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on
all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Lastly, I will try to keep in mind that dogs and
cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask
for money all the time, are easier to train, usually
come when called, never drive your car, don't hang
out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink,
don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't
wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars
for college, and! if they get pregnant, you can sell
the results.
Sincerely,
Your Owner